There are many moments in a person’s life that define them, that they remember forever. It’s not just the moment they remember; they remember how they felt, how the room smelt, they remember sound of the silence and the way that the moment sort of plays back like a slow-motion movie. Sometimes these are good moments and sometimes they are the most painful moments we will ever experience. The night you were born would signify as a scary, but good moment where everything I can remember is almost engrained in me however on the other hand the night, I found out I lost you is also engrained in me, and it is something I wish I could forget. Every time I close my eyes, when I am sitting up in the living room late at night, when I walk through our kitchen, I replay the images of the cops standing there, I hear the words, over and over without escape. I can feel my heart breaking and my soul crying out for you.

I think back to the night of March 31 when our lives were last normal, and it was just a regular night. You were at work and we were all home doing dinner and getting ready for another work and school day. I normally do not sleep well but for some reason that night I was sleeping hard and then I woke up to the dogs barking and barking which was odd. Normally when you come in from work late you are quiet and the dogs don’t bark at you because they know you. Something told me to get up and check. I got myself together and went to the kitchen and I saw a shadow on the porch, naturally I thought you were just outside trying to come in from work. I had no clue what waited on the other side of the door for me, I had no clue my life was about to be forever altered. When I opened the door, I was startled to see two cops standing there and was even more alarmed when they said they were trying to locate your family. The officers asked if they could come inside to talk to me and I told them no and shut the door. It was then that I felt a pit in my stomach and knew something was not right. I went to wake up Charlie so he could come back to talk to them with me.

When he opened the door, he asked the cops what was going on, and they just kept saying they needed to come inside and speak with us. I finally let them inside the house and the following moments were literally something we have seen in sad movies a thousand times. The officers insisted I sit down so we could talk, so I did and that is when the conversation became something I was not ready for. They were asking if I knew where you were supposed to be & when the last time I spoke to you was. I did not understand at first why they were asking this. I was half asleep and anxious and just wanted to know why they were there. The officer then started the next sentence with “I am so sorry ma’am, but there was an accident”. The next several words were a blur until he explained that you were gone. At that moment I just remember hearing very loud screaming, not realizing I was the one on the floor screaming, and feeling like my chest was breaking into pieces.

The screaming was so loud that your grandma came running out of the bedroom to see what was happening. The next bit of time I do not truly remember, it was like an out of body experience. I do remember the pain in my chest and feeling like I was dying. I remember thinking this was not happening, it could not be, maybe I was dreaming. Then the officer started to tell me what happened and that you were taken by someone under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I do not really recall the remainder of the encounter as I started to worry about having to get to your dad and tell him before anyone found out. I finally asked what time it was and they told me 2:15am. The rest of the morning was spent with me driving to the closest people and telling them the news, so they heard it from me. This was the hardest thing to say out loud because I could not believe it myself. I was driving and talking with tears in my eyes, lumps in my throat and a pain in my soul so deep and powerful that I did not know if I would make it back home that day.

The amount of love I have for you is amplified by the amount of grief I feel having lost you. I truly feel like we both died that night although only you stopped breathing. The hours and days after were so hard and so painful. I barely slept and when I did sleep it was followed by waking up to the realization that this is reality and not a nightmare were too much to bear. To this day there are mornings where I wake up and instantly get the wind knocked out of me and cannot breathe. My mind consistently tries to convince the rest of me that you are simply away for now, however at times when my mind lets itself realize the truth it feels like I am back on the floor that night screaming for you. The pain is so raw and so deep that I am unsure I will ever feel joy again and I know you would not want me to be so sad but kiddo I do not want to live my life without you. My whole job and purpose as your mother in this life was to love you, raise you and protect you. I am so sorry I failed you kiddo, I am so sorry mom could not protect you from this.