Landen, It’s been a while since I wrote. Life has been hard and so sad lately. I am missing you more than I could have ever imagined. Mom has been trying hard to navigate this new life without you and it is not easy for me. It has been 139 days without you and some moments it feels like eternity and others it feels like just last night. Time is a weird concept when you are grieving someone you love so deeply, it seems like it is moving so slowly yet so fast all at once. With each passing second and minute I am getting farther from the last time I saw you on this earth but also closer to the next time I will see you in heaven. People tell me that you would not want me to be so sad or upset but I just tell them I did not want to live my life without you so here we are, both seeing a reality we never would have wanted or pictured. I try hard to get through the days and I try harder to remind myself that I still need to find a way to let joy in but kiddo I just feel so guilty for feeling anything that resembles joy. All I can promise you is that I will keep fighting this battle for the rest of my life and somedays I will lose the battle but somedays I will win.

I feel like so much has happened since you were taken from us. I got my promotion I worked so hard for, Shelby graduated high school and started college, your sister started 5th and 7th grade. It is so hard to celebrate anything without you however we try to keep you with us for all the moments big or small. I like to think you are here with us for them in ways we just can’t see. The love you showed for those in your life is something I miss so badly because when you loved someone it was felt and it was a magical thing. All of us are better for having been able to love you and be loved by you and we are all hurting and missing you something fierce.

I started writing you a journal before you turned 18 as a plan to prepare for a day where you would be walking this earth without me. I was writing memories, adding photos, recipes and advise. I was also writing you letters for the big milestones in your life before they got here so that in case I was not here for them you would have a reminder of your mom and what I would say to you in those moments. Life got in the way and I did not finish it to a point where I was happy before you were taken with us so I doubt you knew I was doing that. It pains me to know that you will not read those words or open those letters. It pains me that you will not be here for the things that you planned for your life. It pains me deeply that while I was preparing you for a life without me, it is I that has to live a life without you and that is something no one could have ever prepared me for.

I think that on this grief journey one thing I can think of is to write the letters here, all the things you did not get to know or read. Hopefully it will give me some sense of joy to let someone read them so that our story lives on. I am trying anything I can to find any sliver of peace , comfort or joy. I am not sure how this will work but I will do anything to feel close to you again.

I love you kiddo. Meet me in my dreams. XOXO Love mom.